Handling Disappointments in Marriage

Posted by Raymund Tamayo

4 This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29: 4-7, 11

Disappointments are inevitable in life. But what makes it more painful is when its reason is the one you love. Our spouses can and will disappoint us. Even more so because they are closest to us. It may spark uncertainty, it may shake our trust, and it may even make us wonder if we can rely on them at all.

It is good to realize that this is not an unusual thing. We are not alone, and every married person disappoints or becomes disappointed at their spouses at some point. Feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion when it comes to our spouses are honest and normal. It doesn’t mean we love them less.

However, knowing this fact does not make things easier, right? So here are some guidelines from God’s Word how we can handle disappointments in marriage.

The solution: Practice a God-Centered Perspective.

1. Recognize God’s Sovereignty

We should realize whatever is happening in our marriage relationship, God is still in control. Nothing happens without God’s approval, if only to teach us a lesson, to make us seek Him, or even to accomplish His purpose in all His wisdom.

As followers of Christ, what we should do is surrender to God’s will and pray for our spouses. Because if they improve, if they prosper, we also improve and prosper.

Of course, cases of physical abuse or domestic violence is of a different matter.

2. Rest in God’s Plan

When we acknowledge God’s sovereignty, we trust Him, so we can sincerely rest in His plan. God’s Word says “wives submit to your husbands.” We should trust the Lord regarding this command that He knows what He is saying, even though it doesn’t make sense at first. The same with “husbands love your wives.” We should do this even though there are times the wives seem to be “unlovable”.

Resting in God’s plan is trusting Him.

3. Represent Jesus to the World

Even in marriage, we are still Christ’s ambassadors. We represent Him with the way we treat our spouses. Even when our spouses are also believers in Christ, we should always exemplify to them how it is to follow Jesus.

Marriage is Hard Work, But There Is Joy

Posted by Raymund Tamayo

“Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.” ECCLESIASTES 5:18-20

As in any other worthwhile endeavor, Marriage also requires hard work. Nothing beautiful comes easy. A happy and healthy marriage needs constant commitment, energy, and devotion on both the husband and the wife. The truth is, marriage is always a work in progress – it needs to be watered like a plant in order to grow and flourish.

Some challenges that a marriage brings to an individual are:

• Communication issues – lack of communication, inadequate listening skills (verbal and non-verbal), misunderstandings because of word usage, etc.
• Overstepping boundaries – wanting your spouse to be exactly like you, trying to “change” your spouse, not giving your spouse much-needed alone time or “me-time”, etc.
• Emotional or Sexual infidelity – one or both partners are being close to another person of the opposite sex (emotional), adultery, lack of sexual intimacy (emotionally distant from your partner)
• Money issues – differences in money mindset, how to handle money, etc.
• Selfishness and Jealousy – neglecting one spouse (lack of “give-and-take” relationship), nagging or controlling behavior, trust issues, etc.

These challenges take away joy in a marriage. But here are four learning from Ecclesiastes 5 to restore joy.

1. Be a Joy-Giver

Ecclesiastes 5 says that people should “eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them.” This means it is possible to have joy in marriage as we continue to put our trust in God (Psalm 34:8). 

As we trust in God, we can ask ourselves “How can I restore joy in my circumstance?” and “How can I give joy to my spouse and be a blessing?” Imagine if both partners decide that they would be the relationship’s joy-giver.

Finding another because of unhappiness is pointless. Because the reality is, if you are not happy where you are now and who you are with now, how can you be sure you’ll be happy where you want to go? Instead of looking for greener grass, make your grass greener!

2. Restore Joy with Gratitude

Ecclesiastes 5 also says people are “to accept their lot in life.” Are content with the “cards” we are dealt with? Are we content with our lot in life right now? Everyone is unique and we are given our own path to travel into.

There are many things we can be thankful for each day! But we also need to draw a clear line that there is a difference between contentment and complacency. Contentment is a spirit of gratefulness while complacency is a form of idleness.

We should be content with what we have, but not content with what we can become.

To be content with our lot in life is to be joyful even with our l imitations. Enjoy the boundaries of your limits and thrive where you are. Worldly wisdom says that there are no boundaries, and we can be whatever we want to be—that we can be and do what we set our hearts and mind to. 

There is danger in that because we all have our limitations. The biblical truth we can embrace is that we are all uniquely blessed with talents and giftings, and with that we can instead say “we can be what God wants us to be” (1 Corinthians 15:9-10).

3. Enjoy Marriage as God’s Gift

James 1:17 says every good and perfect gift comes from above (God). God blesses us with our spouse and marriage. This entails that as we enjoy our married life, we are to guard ourselves from making our spouse or marriage itself as an idol. 

We need to evaluate ourselves and be careful that maybe one of the reasons why we’re stressed is because we have put our spouse or our marriage on a pedestal, leading us to lead an imbalanced life.

Remember the song, “Would you be my number two”? It’s because God should be number one in our lives.

4. Press On!

Those who have found joy in their marriage are “so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.”

Do you often find yourself comparing the quality of your relationship now to your previous relationships? If we are in God, it is possible to be joyful despite our circumstances. If we have joy, there is no room for regret because we can hold on to the promise that God can make all things new (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

The Bible tells us to stop dwelling on the past, instead press on to what God has before us today (Philippians 3:13-14). In pressing on, we must learn to follow the principle of “motion before emotion”. This means that we do the right things because they are the right things as God has told us, in order that the joy might follow. Your marriage will not provide you with joy until you find your joy in your marriage.

7 Signs that You Are in a Wrong Relationship

Post written by Raymund and Denielle Tamayo

Photo source: www.lovepanky.com

In this post, we have compiled 7 signs to recognize that you are in a "wrong" relationship. It applies to both married and unmarried couples, but the applications from each would be quite different from one another.

We believe that marriage is a lasting covenant done with God and so recognizing that a marriage relationship is wrong should not end up in divorce or separation from our perspective, but it should be worked out by both partners, of course, with the help of God.

However, if you are still unmarried, then there is a lot to think about these 7 signs of a wrong relationship.  

Whom Should You Marry?

Posted by Raymund Tamayo

“It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop, than with a contentious woman in a whole house.” – Proverbs 21:9

During Biblical times, women were often viewed as men’s property, good for bearing children and not much more. 

The Book of Proverbs addressed the young men of that time who were approaching the age of marriage to take a different view.

The Husband's Leadership - Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 4)

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

Writer's note: This is the continuation of my previous blog post, "How to Love Your Wife the Biblical Way - Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 3)" aimed to share some basic biblical knowledge to my fellow young husbands and/or husbands to be.

Photo source: www.pinterest.com

In this post, I will talk about the kind of leadership that God wants a husband to have over his wife and family. 

As we all know, there are many different types of leadership styles that the world uses these days not only at work but also within the context of a family, such as autocratic, democratic, pacesetting, affiliative, and coaching.

God's mandate of leadership for a husband is a unique one, but it could also be applied not only with your family but also in a workplace setting.

How to Love Your Wife the Biblical Way - Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 3)

Post written by Raymund Tamayo 

Writer's note: This is the continuation of my previous blog post, "Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 2)" aimed to share some basic biblical knowledge to my fellow young husbands and/or husbands to be.

Photo source: wordsofwilliams.com

The Biblical Love

The biblical kind of love is based on God's love for us. It is also called Agape love, which refers to the unconditional love of God for his created beings.

It is only through the understanding and comprehension of this Love that he himself had received from God can a husband begin to love his wife with the right motive and endurance.

Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 2)

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

Writer's note: This is the continuation of my previous blog post, "Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 1)" aimed to share some basic biblical knowledge to my fellow young husbands and/or husbands to be.

Photo source: www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com

According to the Bible, God has at least three purposes for marriage:

Growing To Become the Husband God Wants You To Be (Part 1)

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

Photo credit: searchingforaguyafterhisheart.wordpress.com

God's will for every Christian husband is to love his wife and lead his family in the same way that Christ loves and shepherds the church.

Take note, it is the husband who leads his wife and not the other way around, as Christ is the head of the church and also not the other way around.

No one can become a godly husband without following the perfect role model, Jesus Christ, on how He loved the church unconditionally. As husbands, we must carefully and purposely strive to follow Him, no matter how incompetent we may be at first.

Realize That God Loves You

Raymund and Denielle's Note: This is an essay taken from "God is in the small stuff - and it all matters" by Bruce & Stan. We reformatted the paragraphs to make a better online reading experience.

Photo credit: faith1stministries.com

"This is real love. It is not that we loved God, but that He loved us." - 1 John 4:10, NLT

Love is a powerful emotion, perhaps the strongest of human emotions. 

People will go to great lengths to express love, and they will do almost anything to get love. 

So if love is in such demand, why does it seem in such short supply? To paraphrase the song, "Why is love the only thing that there's just too little of?"

5 Priorities of a Godly Husband - A Must Read

Posted by Raymund and Denielle Tamayo

Photo credit: www.onlinechristiansongs.com

One article that caught our attention these days was from www.onlinechristiansongs.com titled "5 Priorities of a Godly Husband - A Must Read" and we wish to share it here at Plain Haven.

Without further ado, here it is in full:

How to Handle a Needy Person

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

Note: This is a series of posts on How to Handle Difficult People. These articles will guide you on how to interact with a difficult person without severing your relationship with them.

Photo credit: f3y.com

Living with a needy person is really quite a challenge. 

"The Leech" always wants your time and attention and always needs your perpetual assurance to be happy and contented. 

It is annoying, frustrating, and exhausting spending time with dependent people, and the best way to handle them is to stop being around them. 

Assuming that the difficult person is close to you and you can’t simply avoid, here are some practical tips to help you maintain your own emotional wellbeing when you have a needy loved one.

5 Ways to be the husband God wants you to be

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

Photo source: rowenafsantiago.blogspot.com

Marriage is a serious issue, especially for a Christian believer.

The Bible is not silent on the many ways that God wants a husband to develop into, and we should strive to become the head of the family that brings glory to His name.

As husbands, God wants us to lead our family in all areas: spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, and socially. He wants us to love our wives unconditionally, as much as Christ loved the church. He wants us to serve our wives as Christ served the church.

Praying For Your Wife

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

A short message to all young husbands:

God wants our marriages to be a medium for us to be happy and fulfilled. However, we have to love our wives as a model of Jesus’ love for us. That is why a man’s love for his wife relies on how much he loves Christ. Our relationship with our wives depends on our relationship with Christ.

The Best Way to Love Your Spouse

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

There are a lot of ways to demonstrate your love for your spouse. But there is only one way to guard your marriage and make it stronger.

You can show warmth or a special fondness. You can regard your spouse as your best friend. You can experience the deepest and greatest physical intimacy. But feelings alone are not enough to tide you through all the seasons.

Night Thoughts

Poem written by Raymund Tamayo

Denielle and I, circa 2005, a month before our marriage.

NIGHT THOUGHTS

by Raymund Tamayo

Because of you, the quiet night sings a

sweet melody of broken sadness.

I search for your face, but no one

else had your rhythm, your light,

nobody had your tiny crooked feet.

10 Simple Keys to Happiness

Post written by Raymund and Denielle Tamayo

There was a May 2004 article by Reader’s Digest in England about a survey conducted on what people perceive as The Keys to Happiness. Below are the top 10 results of the survey, with our insights in supplement.

Husband, Love Your Wife

Post written by Raymund Tamayo

God’s Word says that we as husbands must love our wives the same as Christ loved the church and gave His life for it (Ephesians 5:25).

This is one command that we should strive to be excellent of. To be excellent is to be an improving copy of our perfect pattern, the Lord Jesus Christ.