Handling Disappointments in Marriage

Posted by Raymund Tamayo

4 This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: 5 “Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. 6 Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. 7 Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper. 11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29: 4-7, 11

Disappointments are inevitable in life. But what makes it more painful is when its reason is the one you love. Our spouses can and will disappoint us. Even more so because they are closest to us. It may spark uncertainty, it may shake our trust, and it may even make us wonder if we can rely on them at all.

It is good to realize that this is not an unusual thing. We are not alone, and every married person disappoints or becomes disappointed at their spouses at some point. Feelings of disappointment, hurt, anger, frustration, and confusion when it comes to our spouses are honest and normal. It doesn’t mean we love them less.

However, knowing this fact does not make things easier, right? So here are some guidelines from God’s Word how we can handle disappointments in marriage.

The solution: Practice a God-Centered Perspective.

1. Recognize God’s Sovereignty

We should realize whatever is happening in our marriage relationship, God is still in control. Nothing happens without God’s approval, if only to teach us a lesson, to make us seek Him, or even to accomplish His purpose in all His wisdom.

As followers of Christ, what we should do is surrender to God’s will and pray for our spouses. Because if they improve, if they prosper, we also improve and prosper.

Of course, cases of physical abuse or domestic violence is of a different matter.

2. Rest in God’s Plan

When we acknowledge God’s sovereignty, we trust Him, so we can sincerely rest in His plan. God’s Word says “wives submit to your husbands.” We should trust the Lord regarding this command that He knows what He is saying, even though it doesn’t make sense at first. The same with “husbands love your wives.” We should do this even though there are times the wives seem to be “unlovable”.

Resting in God’s plan is trusting Him.

3. Represent Jesus to the World

Even in marriage, we are still Christ’s ambassadors. We represent Him with the way we treat our spouses. Even when our spouses are also believers in Christ, we should always exemplify to them how it is to follow Jesus.

Marriage is Hard Work, But There Is Joy

Posted by Raymund Tamayo

“Even so, I have noticed one thing, at least, that is good. It is good for people to eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them, and to accept their lot in life. 19 And it is a good thing to receive wealth from God and the good health to enjoy it. To enjoy your work and accept your lot in life—this is indeed a gift from God. 20 God keeps such people so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.” ECCLESIASTES 5:18-20

As in any other worthwhile endeavor, Marriage also requires hard work. Nothing beautiful comes easy. A happy and healthy marriage needs constant commitment, energy, and devotion on both the husband and the wife. The truth is, marriage is always a work in progress – it needs to be watered like a plant in order to grow and flourish.

Some challenges that a marriage brings to an individual are:

• Communication issues – lack of communication, inadequate listening skills (verbal and non-verbal), misunderstandings because of word usage, etc.
• Overstepping boundaries – wanting your spouse to be exactly like you, trying to “change” your spouse, not giving your spouse much-needed alone time or “me-time”, etc.
• Emotional or Sexual infidelity – one or both partners are being close to another person of the opposite sex (emotional), adultery, lack of sexual intimacy (emotionally distant from your partner)
• Money issues – differences in money mindset, how to handle money, etc.
• Selfishness and Jealousy – neglecting one spouse (lack of “give-and-take” relationship), nagging or controlling behavior, trust issues, etc.

These challenges take away joy in a marriage. But here are four learning from Ecclesiastes 5 to restore joy.

1. Be a Joy-Giver

Ecclesiastes 5 says that people should “eat, drink, and enjoy their work under the sun during the short life God has given them.” This means it is possible to have joy in marriage as we continue to put our trust in God (Psalm 34:8). 

As we trust in God, we can ask ourselves “How can I restore joy in my circumstance?” and “How can I give joy to my spouse and be a blessing?” Imagine if both partners decide that they would be the relationship’s joy-giver.

Finding another because of unhappiness is pointless. Because the reality is, if you are not happy where you are now and who you are with now, how can you be sure you’ll be happy where you want to go? Instead of looking for greener grass, make your grass greener!

2. Restore Joy with Gratitude

Ecclesiastes 5 also says people are “to accept their lot in life.” Are content with the “cards” we are dealt with? Are we content with our lot in life right now? Everyone is unique and we are given our own path to travel into.

There are many things we can be thankful for each day! But we also need to draw a clear line that there is a difference between contentment and complacency. Contentment is a spirit of gratefulness while complacency is a form of idleness.

We should be content with what we have, but not content with what we can become.

To be content with our lot in life is to be joyful even with our l imitations. Enjoy the boundaries of your limits and thrive where you are. Worldly wisdom says that there are no boundaries, and we can be whatever we want to be—that we can be and do what we set our hearts and mind to. 

There is danger in that because we all have our limitations. The biblical truth we can embrace is that we are all uniquely blessed with talents and giftings, and with that we can instead say “we can be what God wants us to be” (1 Corinthians 15:9-10).

3. Enjoy Marriage as God’s Gift

James 1:17 says every good and perfect gift comes from above (God). God blesses us with our spouse and marriage. This entails that as we enjoy our married life, we are to guard ourselves from making our spouse or marriage itself as an idol. 

We need to evaluate ourselves and be careful that maybe one of the reasons why we’re stressed is because we have put our spouse or our marriage on a pedestal, leading us to lead an imbalanced life.

Remember the song, “Would you be my number two”? It’s because God should be number one in our lives.

4. Press On!

Those who have found joy in their marriage are “so busy enjoying life that they take no time to brood over the past.”

Do you often find yourself comparing the quality of your relationship now to your previous relationships? If we are in God, it is possible to be joyful despite our circumstances. If we have joy, there is no room for regret because we can hold on to the promise that God can make all things new (Isaiah 43:18-19). 

The Bible tells us to stop dwelling on the past, instead press on to what God has before us today (Philippians 3:13-14). In pressing on, we must learn to follow the principle of “motion before emotion”. This means that we do the right things because they are the right things as God has told us, in order that the joy might follow. Your marriage will not provide you with joy until you find your joy in your marriage.