Ms. Bronnie Ware, a
nurse who has worked in palliative care for many years, shared what the top 5
regrets people were saying on their deathbed.
She posted them
along with her notes on her website, and we’ve copied them below. Included on
each item are our own insights. We’ve also added a few more items or “regrets” that
we hope every Christian believer won’t have when it is time to go home to the
Lord.
1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life
true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When
people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it
is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not
honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to
choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at
least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your
health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no
longer have it.
Denielle’s insight: I remember the movie The Bucket List, where two terminally
ill men go out of their way to pursue things they desire before they die. After
watching, I reflected on having my own.
One
item I put on my list is to learn to say "no" when necessary. Now
this is very difficult because I'm the type who gives out the whole cookie. I
tend to give everything and forget myself to support others.
Don't
get me wrong, it’s perfectly okay to help others pursue their dreams. But when
I get lost or derailed from my personal purpose and priorities, then I stop a
while, assess the situation and say "no" to certain things that are
not aligned to what I value and am created for.
It's
not selfishness to focus on doing your purpose or to go after your desires and
dreams. Learn to get that proper balance through wise and godly discernment.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning.
2. I wish I didn’t work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I
nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation,
many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed
deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work
existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making
conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you
think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and
more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
Raymund’s insight: This is one reason why I started
simplifying my life. I’m definitely not lazy; my bosses can tell you how I
work. I work hard and smart. I know when to retire for the day.
I’m
aware that work is just a part of life, not life itself. I love my work, I
value my work, but I love and value my family more. My father said that the
reason why I couldn’t go abroad and find a better job and a bigger income is
because I can’t leave my family behind. He said it’s my weakness. If that’s true, then I admit it. But that weakness
becomes the strength of my family.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my
feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in
order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre
existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many
developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a
result.
We cannot control the reactions of others.
However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by
speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and
healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from
your life. Either way, you win.
Denielle’s insight: Confession: I'm one of those
people who suppress their feelings in order to keep peace with others. I'd
rather stay silent and then rant away when Raymund, my husband, is the only one
around to hear my outbursts. A lot of times, out of frustration, I guess, he
would tell me to speak up and let loose my feelings toward the person in
concern.
I
prayed about this and I realized that it's the fear of rejection that's
stopping me to be expressive. And since "perfect love drives out
fear" (1 John 4:18), all I needed to do is to express my feelings in love,
choose my words carefully and say them in all sincerity. Not sugar- coated.
Just simple and true. By the way, it helps a lot to pray for wise words before
speaking.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my
friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full
benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible
to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they
had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets
about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone
misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle
to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death,
the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial
affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true
importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of
those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this
task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all
that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
Raymund’s insight: I have had many close friends in
high school and college. Many more now at work. I must admit I’m guilty of not
staying in touch with all of them. Some I’ve even neglected. But I’m glad and
honored to have known each one of them. My life is that of constant
prioritizing, focusing, and simplifying right now. But when I do get the chance
to meet these friends again, I can say that I’m sincerely glad to be with them
once more.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did
not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in
old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into
their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them
pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep
within, they longed to laugh properly and have sillyness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others
think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go
and smile again, long before you are dying.
Denielle’s insight: I just turned 33 a few days ago. Most people say I look younger
and ask why I don't look my age. My secret? I laugh a lot, smile a lot, and am always
in a happy disposition. As much as I can, I enjoy the relationships I have with
my husband, my children, relatives, friends, churchmates, and others. Like Ms.
Ware said, happiness is a choice.
Choose
to be happy. Feeling down lately? Count your blessings! You'll be amazed you
can't really count them all. Every morning in prayer, welcome God’s joy in your
heart and ask Him to help you block thoughts or circumstances that may steal
that joy.
Additional Regrets that We Don’t Want to
Have
1. I wish I had more time glorying God than
complaining about life.
Life is too short,
or too long, to spend it over complaining and whining. It’s too short or too
long to not glorify God with it. This is one regret that we don’t want to make
when that time comes. Raymund mentioned this in one of his articles about
minimalism being a spiritual journey for him.
2. I wish I had spent more time serving God
and people than serving myself.
One of the best
ways to find purpose and motivation in life is by helping others. This is best
explained in this blog post by Leo Babauta.
In his book The
Purpose-Driven Life, Pastor Rick Warren revealed that one of our life’s
purposes is to serve God and His people.
This may sound
contradicting to Regret #1 above, but like what I said, we have to find the
right balance. We should make sure that our own personal, God-given purposes
are not compromised.
3. I wish I had told a lot more people about
Jesus, and helped other believers do the same.
As Christians, it
is our Great Commission to share Christ to others.
Matthew 28:19-20 says
“Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of
the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey
everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very
end of the age.”
This is Jesus’ personal
instruction to the apostles shortly before He ascended into heaven. It
essentially says what Jesus expected us, those who follow Him, to do in His
absence. This is called “The Great Commission,” not “The Great Suggestion.”
We pray that we
have enough courage and more opportunities to tell people about what Christ did
to us as His glory is seen in our lives. We don’t want to withhold the fullness
that a relationship with God brings, as we desire for others to also experience
the same.
If today is your last day, would you say
that you've lived a full life? What's your greatest regret so far, and what
will you set out to achieve or change before you die?
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